Alberta officials have forced the Zed News’ team back into online learning in hopes of stemming a surge in Covid-19 cases. We’ve created a glossary of terms to help you manage the shift from classroom to computer. Online schooling: A type of education that involves staring alone at a screen for seven hours a day while simultaneously texting your friends and scrolling Instagram. Remote learning: We call it learning, but do we actually remember what we learn online? Googly Eyes: The result of online school screentime murdering my poor eyes. Code Jacking: Somebody with a code obtained from the student black market, crashing your Google Meet, screaming a random message, and then getting kicked out. Google Fail: Sharing videos just suck. Whyyy Google Meet why….??? Google Classroom: The irritating source of 70 percent of my emails. Deadlines: Every moment of a really fast paced quarter system where the teacher is trying to cram everything in. Digital shaming: When your teacher calls you out for turning in an assignment late and the whole class eavesdrops. Virtual tests: The period of stressing and panicking at how fast the time is going, while also procrastinating life. Enhanced answering: Using the privilege of being online to search up test answers. It's way easier than in person to use your phone and if they see your phone, what can they do? Every test is an open book test when it’s online. Asynchronous Learning: This occurs when you're stressed and running five minutes late for class, only to log on to discover your teacher, who tells you that you are only reading a short story on your own. To which you log off and do everything but that. Synchronous Learning: I have no idea what that is. Why call it that? The Sea of Regret: The moment you forget to mute yourself. An entire sea of regret and an existential crisis. Second Language Training: When you curse in another language and the teacher stops teaching to look at the screen in confusion. Gizmo: Why do we need to use a probability spinner for math? The probability of me dying after this online class is certain! Chatbox: The land of chaos that occurs when you give a large group of sleep-deprived or screen-crazed teenagers the ability to talk to each other in a messaging system. Wifi Problems: When students or teachers have a bit of trouble with their wifi. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Just connect all ready! Wifake Problems: When students pretend to have trouble with their wifi or to be frozen to get out of class. Breakout Rooms: When your teacher expects you to work once you log out for ‘homework time’ but really you're just watching videos and texting your friends. VIP (Virtually Improper Parent): When parents make a cameo appearance on your video stream. Online Choir Practice: When your parents scream at you and you scream back to the delight of your online classmates. Second Language Instruction: When you curse in another language and the teacher stops to point you out and you go oops. Lunchtime: A speed round of 'who can cook or make and eat a half decent meal in under 30 minutes while simultaneously thinking about the unit final fast approaching.' It also can be extended into your class time, as long as you have your mic and video off, and let's be honest, majority of us are eating or cooking in the middle of English anyways. I gotta fit in that Christmas baking somewhere. Zoom Fatigue: Starting with everyone in my class in a hoodie on their PJs minutes before class starts first thing in the morning and ending with people looking like zombies with messy tied hair and a hoodie to cover up what we call our face at 3:30 p.m. Mistaken Identity: When you're too tired and accidentally send something to a friend instead of a teacher. Emoji: Wanting to put an emoji at the end of your sentence, then remembering that you’re on the laptop and you’re too damn tired to pull up the entire emoji menu for a single character, but somehow going deep to pull it off because there is no such thing as too many emoji’s. Headphones: If you don’t have any, you’re dead. I’m sorry. Looking cool isn’t an option if you want to hear people talking. Options Classes: This is the class that you actually arrive at half-dead but happy, or you skip by logging on and muting yourself with no video. It’s also the class that no one has enough supplies for and are using whatever scraps leftover from your childhood (glitter, sticks, costumes, makeup). No Escape: The well-deserved early release from online school so you can have extra time to chat up your friends on Discord and scroll through Instagram. Potty Block: When you need a bathroom break but the teacher keeps teaching and you're afraid to miss something. Early Release: Slamming a computer shut and preparing to toss it out of the window the moment the teacher says class is over, but then remembering the computer costs money so just running outside and screaming “freedom!” Alternative Learning Playing Among Us, Geometry Dash, or watching Tik Tok. Learning to swear in other languages. Racing around the room, knocking over tables (exercise, am I right)? You may also want to read: School During a Pandemic - A First Person Account I Want More and More K-Pop
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